I can't seem to stop crying this morning so I'm hoping writing this down will help. I have been reading posts from a mom who just got back from a second trip to Haiti to visit her girls. She's adopting from the same O. She took that last picture of Baby Girl and has been describing in great detail all that she experienced. It brought up all that pent up almost overwhelming emotion I felt after getting back from my visit. I have to say up front - Marie,the O director is an incredible, hardworking, loving woman, the nannies competent and caring, the O is clean and the children well fed. I feel we picked the best orphanage in Haiti. But it is still an orphanage. I compare it to a good American daycare - the O is comparable. It's a temporary alternative, it's not a "home" with a mommy and daddy and all that comes with it. This mom mentioned taking her girls with her when she visited their O for 30 minutes. They were nervous, thinking she was leaving her. My little Kaflaure acted the same way. She clung to my hand the whole visit and cried and begged me to go. She had had a refresher week ( my visit) that reminded her of family life. She was miserable until we left. I was just as miserable knowing I was leaving her to go back the next day for who knows how long. I knew she was going to miss me rocking her to sleep and doting on everything she did - all that one on one attention.
Something else that touched my heart was the mom's description of the emotional state of the kids. She said "Like everything in life, there is a pecking order. The older, bigger kids, rule. The little kids sit on the sidelines. Truthfully, they cry, or they seem sad. A few are just determined little fighters, and they get in there with the big kids and hold their ground. I'm sure it's not like this all of the time, but that is what I saw. And there seems to be an advantage to being part of a sibling group. Orphanage life is tough, and it is hard to look at. " I was reminded of how fiesty little Kaflaure was. I think, although she was one of the smaller ones (2 1/2), she could hold her own. This, of course, after adjusting to O life. I am concerned about little Baby Girl. I have seen several pictures over the past 2 months she has been there. In most she is alone with those big, haunting brown eyes looking up sadly. I wonder what her Haitian mama sees when she visits and how difficult is must be for her. I feel drawn to her and we've never met. I am honored to be able to partner with her to give her little girl what she can not. So this transitional time of waiting is hard on us all. There are hundreds of children, in dozens of Haitian O's, who are in process of coming home. Many families who dream of the day they can bring their little ones home. So we pray and we wait.