Love and Pain

There has been an amazing amount of movement with the files at our O. It's been an exciting few weeks. Our file along with 3 or 4 others have moved out of IBESR, 5-6 files have moved out of MOI with most of those now having passports, and 3 kids went home this weekend!
Several families have visited recently and met their children for the first time. One family, who met their 2 new children, was particularly poignant. These kids have been at the O from the beginning and have had several referrals fall through. The family who is committed to them now seem like incredible christians, loving and kind, and excited to make them a part of their family.
G, the mom, recently shared all about their visit on our support group. Several other moms have recently gotten back from visiting their children and shared with the group and on their blogs. I read and reread their stories. I've laughed, I've cried. I can't get enough hearing all about their experiences and Haiti. It's so interesting to me but it's more than that. It's a connection to my new little girl. It's a connection to her life, her world, a place I have visited and will be returning to in the near future.
When I went last year, I met and fell in love with Kaflaure. When I left, I left a part of my heart behind with her. I left her with the promise that I would come back to her and bring her home. It has saddened my heart that I was not able to keep that promise. I was emotionally raw after leaving Haiti. I have told many that I went to Haiti to visit a little girl we were planning to adopt and came home leaving my precious baby behind for who knows how long. The adoption journey seemed longer than I could bear. Little did I know how very rocky it was going to get. I understand why God doesn't give us a window to see the future.
Three referrals and many months later, we have moved on. Our O has decided that it is better to have 2 months a year to visit to file paperwork. December is the next month. If all goes as planned I should be planning a trip for Haiti.
I think of that with mixed emotions. I have not met this precious little girl who is in the process of becoming a part of our family. I have seen numerous pictures, a few videos, and spoken to a few moms who personally took the time to spend a few moments or more with her so they could share that with me. I am forever indebted to those wonderful ladies (and A's husband).
I want to meet our baby girl so badly. I dream of meeting and spending time with her. On the other hand, I know it is going to be so heart wrenching to leave her behind. I dread the pain that I know I am going to feel. I even dreamed recently that I went to file the paperwork and chose not to see N. On the day I was supposed to leave I could not do it. I could not go all the way to Haiti and leave without seeing her. I changed my mind and tried to find the O director, Marie, to ask if I could see N. Everytime I thought I found Marie it turned out the woman was not her. I kept thinking "My time is running out and I will have to go home without seeing N!" I woke up so frustrated.
I read blogs of moms who have visited and I cry with them as they tell about the goodbyes. I remember the pain. The pain is a hurt you can feel in the pit of your stomach. One that makes you feel that you can't breathe it hurts so bad.
I have to go file the paperwork. I can not do that, go to Haiti without meeting my baby girl. A part of me is so excited I can hardly think about it because it's still several months away. I will actually get to hold, hug and kiss my new daughter. I will get to hear her voice and get glimpses into her personality. She will become a 3 dimensional real live person. I am afraid of that. I am also thrilled beyond belief.
This time, I tell myself, it will be different. I will know what to expect. Maybe the pain will still be there but I will be prepared for it. You can not love without opening yourself up to the possibility of hurt and pain. The deeper the love the deeper the possible hurt.
I will go to meet this precious little one with my eyes and arms wide open. That's just the way love is.