I was reading recently on a fellow adoptive mom's blog of her recent trip to visit her kids at the orphanage for the second time. She went alone this time. Her son was confused and standoffish. Her daughter was confused but accepting. It was a bittersweet visit.
It brought back my own insecurities about my first visit to Haiti to meet Kaflaure. I alternated between being excited out of my skin to thoughts of "what if she doesn't like me" and " what if I don't like her".
When I was eleven, my parents became foster parents. My mom just retired a few years ago. It added an incredible dynamic to my childhood into adulthood and made me who I am today.
I loved the babies - who wouldn't? God knew what he was doing when he designed those precious innocent angels. The children were a little different. They had developed personalities. They had life experiences. They were people. Some people you like immediately, some you like okay, and some you just don't care for. Fortunately, most of my foster siblings fell into the first two categories. I cried when they left. There were a few that I felt mostly relief to see them move on with their adoptive family. As an adult, I encountered the same experience as nursery director for my church. Those feelings are natural.
Our oldest children came to us out of order. Caleb came first, then Lucas, and then our oldest Lexi. The boys were babies when they came - Lexi a frustrated 3 year old. She suffered mostly from neglect with her birthmom. Then she lived with an older couple who says they set no boundaries.She lived with them for seven months as an only child. We were not strangers to her when she came to live with us - we had been a part of her life since she was 8 months. We thought we loved her already but quickly realized that emotion was easier said than felt. She was a "wild child". She was mean to her brothers and tested us constantly. She would sometimes say she wanted to go back to her birthmom or the other couple she lived with. Sometimes, we would think maybe that would be a good idea. Realisticaly, that was not an option although we did wonder in the midst of emotion if maybe we had made a mistake. We knew in our hearts she was supposed to be a part of our family but it was not easy. We prayed a lot about the situation and her. We felt guilty. We chose to love her but we wanted to feel that love. About a year after she came, Scott looked at me with wonder in his eyes. He said, " If a situation came up and I was asked, I would give my life for Lexi - I love her as much as I love the boys!" I realized I felt the same way. When did that happen? It was incredible.
All of those memories came rushing back when I planned my visit to Haiti. I tried hard not to be anxious. Everyone has pretty much the same experience - the child or children are confused. That's natural. Kaflaure was a little dazed for about an hour. The second hour she was having a ball. Some other moms had planned a trip to the mountains and I had a chance to go. Since it was naptime, I took Kaflaure back to the O. I handed her to Marie and explained what I was doing. Kaflaure lunged for me screaming. Marie had this smirk on her face. I immediately took her back and said never mind if it was alright I wanted to take her with me. She became my shadow. She would push the other kids out of my lap and say something about me being "her mama!". I was thrilled - we clicked. I liked her and she liked me. She had the perfect combination of sass and sweetness. I will never know what issues we might have had when she got home because our adoption was halted when her Haitian mama took her away from the O a couple of months later. I like to think things might have gone relatively smooth. Who knows? I do know I love her dearly.
Now, we are adopting a precious little girl named Nephtalie. The same thoughts go through my head again. I have no plans for a visit before the adoption if final so those questions will go unanswered. Thank goodness I have past experience to fall back on. God also reminds me that love is a choice. He brought Lexi into our lives and it was a rocky beginning. We chose love. We love her dearly and have a great relationship with her. We believe He has led us to adopt from Haiti. We have prayed for the child He would have for us. If Nephtalie is the one then we choose to love her no matter what. We will try to be the best parents she can have to make up for her rocky beginning and her loss.
I would be less than honest if I did not admit to praying "please let her like us" and "please let this transition be easier than it was with Lexi". I am only human after all.