Jumbled String of Thoughts

I am still feeling as if I'm on an adreneline high. For so long, N's homecoming seemed like a dream - something you would love to have happen like ...finding out a long lost relative has left you a large inheritance.

Now I am really allowing myself to believe she is really coming home. Soon I will be able to hold her and kiss her sweet cheeks and shower her with all the love and attention I've been longing to do for so long.

On Friday, I went into her bedroom and pulled out all the toys I've had boxed up. I displayed them around the room. Then I went into the closet and, again, went through her winter wardrobe. Noah found me in there (we were supposed to be doing school but I just couldn't focus) and asked me what I was doing. I told him that when mamas bring their baby home from the hospital they usually choose a coming home outfit. I was trying to choose just the right "coming home" outfit for N to meet her daddy - he's only seen pictures - not even a video. Of course, she'll be cute in anything but it's fun to choose.

It's weird, I've had sooooo many dreams about N over the last couple of years. Some silly, some frustrating. Sometimes I can't find her, sometimes I'm dressing her up or just talking to her. In one dream I had recently, she had a huge afro. It was comical. I thought, wow- her hair has really grown over the last year! I couldn't wait to see my report from Granny Bin to check out her hair. If you saw the post where I showed some of the pictures of her, she had a wrap on in every one. Sigh! I guess I'll just have to wait a little longer to know.

Scott has not dreamed at all about N. He's stayed much more detached from the situation until now that he knows she's actually coming home soon. He had a dream a few weeks ago that he saw the stack of paperwork and all was in order. He shared the dream with me and said he truly felt she would be home this year.

Around the same week, Noah had a dream that he shared. He said he was sitting in the living room with a bowl of cereal on the footstool watching television. I was on the computer when I started yelling, "She's coming home! She's coming home!" Last Thursday evening, when I discovered the email, it was like de ja vu for him. He said,"Mama, that was just like my dream!" I realized what he was talking about when I noticed what he was doing - eating a bowl of cereal on the footstool while watching t.v. Wow!

My mind feels as if it's racing all the time. I feel a strange hyperactivity.

S and I went to bed early last night in anticipation of that extra hour of sleep. Weird how exciting that hour can seem - like a little gift. I heard something around 2 that woke me up. That's all it took. I was up until around 4. There went my extra hour of sleep. I just lay there with the thoughts just swirling around! With every heartbeat I heard - my little girl is coming home!